If you can't beat 'em, stuff yourself silly

The House of Bich hosted Rich's siblings, spouses and cousin for the Penn State-Alabama game over the weekend, and while that didn't turn out to be such a hot event, I scored huge in the kitchen. (Insert your dirty jokes here.)

I made my first pulled-pork sandwiches.

Here's the recipe I used, but in the end, it became mostly "inspirational instruction." We have Leeza's grill at the ready but we haven't used it yet, and an eight-pound pork shoulder might not be the first thing we want to try out on it. So we used our Crock-Pot. Believe me, it'll be fine, purists be damned.

What you'll need for the pork:

2 1/2 Tbs. coarsely ground black pepper
3 Tbs. (packed) dark brown sugar
3 Tbs. paprika (or 1 to 2 Tbs. tomato paste)
2 Tbs. coarse salt
1 1/2 to 2 tsp. cayenne pepper
1 untrimmed pork shoulder, about seven pounds, bone in (mine was nearly eight)

I cut the pork shoulder into four smaller pieces so it would cook more easily as well as fit into the Crock-Pot. (Edited to add: I forgot to mention this, but I gave the meat pieces a quick brown in the skillet, maybe a minute on each side.) Mix the first five ingredients in a small bowl, then rub thoroughly into the pork -- make sure you get it into every nook and cranny. This is important. (After this, you should cover it with plastic and let it sit in your fridge for at least two hours, preferably overnight, but it'll still be good if you're the impatient/late-running type like me.)

Stick the pork in the Crock-Pot on Low.

For the mop (also known as jus, or juice, or zooga):

1 cup apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup water
2 Tbs. Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp. coarsely ground black pepper
1 Tbs. coarse salt
2 tsp. vegetable oil

Mix all ingredients until combined. Pour into Crock-Pot, using the sides so as to not rinse the rub off the pork.

Now, put the lid on AND DON'T TOUCH IT FOR AT LEAST EIGHT HOURS. Seriously. Don't peek, don't just take the lid off a little to "make sure it's cooking right." Just leave it alone and get on with the rest of your life (cleaning the house, watching "College GameDay," whatever). It can easily go as long as 12 hours, though I found nine to be pretty darn perfect.

While the pork is cooking, make the coleslaw and barbecue sauce. And no, do not get coleslaw from a mix or a bag, or bottled barbecue sauce. Both are too freakin' easy for you to be cheating.

Carolina Red Barbecue Sauce

1 1/2 cups apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup ketchup
1 Tbs. (packed) dark brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. dried crushed red pepper

Stir it all up in a bowl. Cover and put it in the fridge. (You can make this a couple of days ahead of time.)

For the coleslaw:

1 cup mayonnaise
1/2 cup Carolina Red Barbecue Sauce (see above -- you've already made it!)
1 2 1/2-pound green cabbage, quartered, cored, very thinly sliced

Whisk the mayo and sauce together in a large bowl. Throw in the cabbage. Mix. (See? Not hard.) Now cover it and stick it in the fridge for a while; coleslaw is the sort of dish that gets better as it sits. Mix it every once in a while.

So you've been sitting around, freaking out about the big game, you're wearing your vintage Penn State jersey (Ki-Jana Carter is totally vintage), drinking beer. It's now been about nine hours, and it's halftime. Time to eat, because it's clear you're going to lose. Take off the lid from the Crock-Pot.

Take many, many deep breaths. Yum.

The meat was so soft and pulling apart so easily that I had to get a big scoop out to get it onto a platter. Four pieces had became something like 20 deliciously wonderful ... pieces. (The bone will simply fall back into the Crock-Pot with the mop.) Take two forks and pull apart the meat on the platter. If you've cooked it right, this step will be so easy, you'll wonder why you don't make this sucker all the time.

Pour a little mop on top. Then get out your buns -- I used fresh kaiser rolls from Wegmans because they were biiig and could stand up to all the juices -- and plop lots of pork on top, then lots of the mop, then the barbecue sauce ... and then. DO NOT SKIP THIS PART. Put the coleslaw on top.

That's a pulled-pork sandwich. Eat it and like it and thank me later.